April 30, 2005

The results are in.

I have just completed a thorough analysis of Long Burn and come to the conclusion that what this blog suffers from is too much analysis and not enough nuttiness. So watch out, here come some nuts (Thanks to my old student Michael Larsen):

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it, "In."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "Bribe".

7. Finish all your sentences, with "In accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry reading and ask why the poems don't rhyme

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard".

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I won! I won!”

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."


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